Breaking and Entering

Have you ever done something criminal without intent?

Like, many people have left a store with something in their pocket they forgot to take out at check out. Something like that.

Did you go back and pay for it or return it? I mean, what are you supposed to do? You don't want to admit you stole something inadvertantly. They're going to give you a dirty look. They might even remember your face next time you're at the store!

You don't want to get blacklisted for a 25 cent packet of Juice Fruits. No!

Like what if you REALLY want to steal one day. Then you're screwed because they're always watching you. 'Oh, my god, Tasha. It's that guy who "accidentally" stole a packet of gum. We better keep a close eye on him."

I bring all of this up because I actually have unintentionally broken and entered a house in the past.

What happened was few of my friends and I were delivering a piano to an house where the owners had gone on a vacation and left the driver the key. The driver knew the homeowners personally and had been shown inside the house. And you have to understand, my involvement was very peripheral. I was just there to give a hand to move the piano.

The driver parks in the driveway at the house where we're supposed to drop off the piano. Two guys and I grab the piano from the back of the truck while the driver goes ahead of us to get the door. We rush to the piano to the front door when the driver guy says, "guys, the key isn't opening the door."

"What do you mean?"

"The key isn't working."

"Let me see that," I go working on the key. Jiggling and wiggling the key. And it doesn't work, "It's the wrong key. Try the other doors."

We go around and try to open all kinds of doors here and there. And none of the doors work. @#$@#!

And here's what happens. You know, one of my biggest strengths is also my worst! I don't like to take "no" for an answer. I mean, what are we going to do with the piano? Return it?

No! The piano is going into the damn house if it means I have to break and enter!

I rose to the occasion. I was meeting my life's challenges head on. I put on my McGuyver hat.

I pulled out a credit card. I shimmied the card in the space between the door and its frame. And in 10 seconds, I opened the door.

Yeah, I was THAT good. Like some spy. The guys were in awe, "you are the man, dog!"

More than anything, we were just glad that we didn't have to drive back to the place where we picked up the piano.

So we pick up the piano and run into the house. It couldn't have been three steps into the house when the driver guy says, "guys, something's not right."

"What is it this time?"

"I don't recognize the inside."

At this point, I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy runs out of the house and looks at the house. And the thought enters my mind when from outside I hear, "@#$%, guys1 We're in the wrong @#$%^&* house! Get the @#$% out!"

"Oh, @#$%!" We grabbed that piano and loaded it onto the truck. Then we peel out of the driveway when our driver guy says.. "ah, we were supposed to go to that house," pointing to the next house down the road. We drive 50 feet down the road and onto the driveway, praying to God that the neighborhood Big Brother watch group has taken a day off.

Sure enough the key opens front door at the new house. We dropped the piano to where it was supposed to go and flew out there like bat out of hell.

And that's my story of accidentally breaking and entering into a stranger's house.

Political Implication of Benjamin Button the Movie

Brad Pitt Facial Transformation (Ed Ulbrich. TED Talks: How Benjamin Button got his face)

When I watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," I thought that they did a remarkable job with to make Brad Pitt look old. So imagine my surprise when I learned this morning via TED podcast that the old Brad faces were actually computer generated. What they did was a remarkable feat. Phosphorus marker was used to map out a basic set of human facial expressions (in this case, of Brad Pitt) which was then superimposed on an older facial model.

Besides the obvious entertainment applications, this holds a great political implication. Any head of a political state can now be recreated on the computer with his/her willing consent. For instance, this may be something that aging dictators (i.e. KIS of N. Korea) might want as a backup plan to keep the masses at bay. Osama bin Laden may have uses for this.

Granted, this is not possible in the immediate future. The technology is still in its infancy and is too expensive when compared to a body double. You'd need banks of computer to store and process. This may become an application for a routine public service announcement within ten years. There will be a need for public policy and law against the use of this technology for the purpose of deception, broadcast impersonation, identity presumption, etc.

Though this is no news, we do live in a brave new world.

America, revisited.

America, I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America, sixty thousand IOU's. November 19, 2008.
I can't stand my own mind.
America, when will we end the human war?
I'm sick of you jacking off to warmongering videos on YouTube.
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't rewrite this poem till I'm in my right mind.

America, when will you be a Bodhisattva?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you feed the hungry?
When will you be worthy of your million dead poets?
America, why are your libraries full of empty chairs?
America, when will you send your meds to Africa?

I'm sick of your insane demands.

When can I go on eBay and buy what I need with my good looks?
America, after all it is you and I who are perfect - not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Your starving, hysterical, naked poets are dead of bloody cirrhosis.

It's sinister.

Are you being sinister? Or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to a point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.

America, stop pushing I know what I'm doing.

America, the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't watched the news for months,
Everyday the old yell "terrorists!"
while the young kill each other.
America, I feel sentimental about the nine-to-five workers.
They cry every night wondering if life should be so pointless.
I stare at the moon, blue and poignant.
Everything is made from corn.

Damn it.

America, I used to be a Sunday school teacher and I'm very sorry.
Now I repent with the green, green tea every chance I get.
When I go to Chinatown I eat hot noodle soup and walk down the K-alley to the city light.

My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Tolstoy.
My parents think I'm perfectly crazy; and I won't say the Lord's Prayer anymore.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.

America, I still haven't told you what you did to Little Robert after he came over from Iraq.

Hey, I'm addressing you!

Are you going to let our emotional life be run by easyspeak Armani boys?

I'm obsessed by the tube.
I watch it when I don't want to be human.
It stares back like a mirror image of my self.
I even take it to go on my iPhone in the morning.
It's always telling me about patriotism.
Politicians are serious. Reverends are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
Everybody is talking about terrorism.

It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.

Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a Chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.

My national resources consist of two bags of green tea, millions of mis-educated emo kids,
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1 gigabytes an hour and twentyfivethousand nursing homes.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the 46 millions of uninsured,
who go to chiropractor for medical problems
acupuncturist for chiropractic problems,
and emergency room for pain pills.

I have abolished the orphanages of India, Haiti is the next to go.
My ambition is to be the President despite the fact that my eyes are slanty.

America, you are a free country. Aren't you?
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like MLK.
My lines are as vivid as his dreams.

America, I will short all my verses against your burning stocks.
America, your CEOs jump from scrapers.

America, free Llasa; free Tibet
America, save the Invisible Children
America, creativity and the blue sky must not die.
America, I am the Guantanamo animals.

America, when I was thirteen, my family moved to New York.
I only knew three words of English, "Yes", "No", and "Thank you."
Children can be mean.
They spat at me for being a ching-chang-chong.

Still the sun shone brightly then and the fog wasn't as thick
You have no idea what a good thing blowjob was back in 1993.
Your president smoked cigars instead of coke.
Mother Teresa was still alive.

Everybody must have been a terrorist.
America, you don't really want to go to war.
America, it's them bad Terrorists.
Them Terrorists them Terrorists and them Muslims. And them Terrorists.
The Islam wants to eat us alive. The Islam is power mad.
Inshallah wants to take our children from our Jesus H. Christ.

China wants to grab Africa. Her needs oil reserves.

Her wants our auto plants in Detroit. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes wetbacks learn Ingles and Mandarin.
Him with two billion little slanty eyes like mine.

Hah!

Her make us work in Wal-Mart twenty-four hours a day. Halp!

America, this is quite serious.
America, this is the impression I get from the TV.
America, is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or replace desperate someone's desperate job
I'm unpunctual and narcoleptic anyway.

America, I'm sleeping hungry on the bare floor tonight.

- Credits to Allen Ginsberg

This is a tribute to Allen Ginsberg. He addressed America regarding the anti-communism hysteria in a sarcastic yet non-condescending undertone. I have been contemplating this poem for a while now. I draw a parallel of our era.

In life, one must measure growth in all forms of one's personal wealth.

True wealth is an abundance of values. Ownership of values is universal, permanent and inalienable. The worth of these values does not change with time and becomes part of the person him/herself. It cannot be lost. By this definition, money is a poor measure of wealth. A person can experience great wealth as a hedge fund manager or a penniless sage. However, a wiser soul understands early in the course of life that there is a general negative correlation between material growth and personal wealth. One may possess much material wealth, but such things easily tax the mind and body. One is often tempted to throw away everything to take ownership of the self and everything else. For some, this is an absolutely necessary step. For others, this is an excuse to escape fear.

We should spend our energy and time in generation of valuable products. These are things which sustain our bodies, mature our minds, and lift our spirits. Most values and valuable products are universal to plants, animals, and people. Some examples of this include water, knowledge, experience, kinship, sunlight, the Nature, land, and the Self.

Knowledge is free. Once obtained, it cannot be taken away with threat - empty or otherwise. It can be freely shared as any true form of wealth is always experienced.

Wisdom, also, is free. Though seemingly hard to find at times, its only prerequisites are openness and proper discernment. Wisdom and experience nourish the generations of human beings whether they are rich or poor.

The right to express the opinions formed from knowledge and wisdom is a great treasure to humanity. Though we do not like to hear propaganda , true scientific process requires empiric observation of both true and false knowledge. Silence is only a fool's gold. Just expression of wisdom is much more valuable and precious. However, like all forms of wealth, one must not waste right speech on people to whom these values are lost. Values pass like wild fire when speech is free.

Time is our principle form of currency. Everyone is given 24 hours a day, yet some achieve more wealth than others. Those who do more with less do more with less because they understand well the value of time. The five stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Life is a long process involving these five processes in regards to death. If somehow one accepts death as the natural outcome of their life - as it is - one can finally appreciate time. Therefore, acceptance of one's death is the prerequisite for achieving great wealth.

Emphasis:

Acceptance of death allows appreciation of time.

Appreciation leads to proper expenditure of time.

Proper expenditure is wealth.

Example: Men and women of true wealth have accepted their death long before death accepted them.

Though the world is full of suffering, most relationships and interpersonal encounters are positive. It is through the meeting of people one learns values regarding human relationships.

Families are the building block of all relationship. These are people to whom we are born and with whom we will die. They help us form our fundamental values whether by good or by evil.

Friends form a natural extension from your family. They provide us with traditions of their ancestors with which to test the truths of our childhood values. True, lifelong friends are ones who forever hone our values by their love and gentleness.

Teachers are like bridges which connect islands of isolated values to a greater body of knowledge. By their instructions, we learn not subjects but a way to grasp the world and taste its fruits.

Ultimately, it's the strangers who teach us the most about values. Values we learn from our families, friends, and teachers are bound to be homogeneous and true only from a local perspective. Strangers present us with values different from our own. Through their eyes, we understand the partial failure of our current values in the universality test. Incorporating a strange custom, religion or tradition, one understands his ancestry and relationships in a new perspective with new insights. The more strangers we meet, the wiser and wealthier we become

Meeting of strangers cannot happen if one does not travel in the true sense of word.

One cannot travel if one does not appreciate the luxury of time.

Again, appreciation of time comes with acceptance of one's mortality.

Traveling not only provides opportunity to inherit foreign values but also teaches us values which are extrinsic from human relations.

When I was lonely, I appreciated the value of my loved ones.

When I was lost, I appreciated the value of my Self.

When I was thirsty, I appreciated the value of water.

When I was hungry, I appreciated the value of food.

When I was dirty, I appreciated hygiene.

When food and water was scarce, I appreciated the value of land, water, and the Sun.

Thirst forcing appreciation of true values, we purify ourselves from the former idea of wealth based on monetary currency which only serve to enslave us with false material security destined to betray us sooner or later. Rather than draining our energy and time into a drab, nine-to-five void, we find a good human balance to nurture all aspects of our lives all the while remaining in the creative force necessary to create material valuable which promote health in people, relationships, plants, animals, and planet.

Valuable products create wealth for the producer and consumer. Such things are appreciated for intrinsic value rather than the satisfaction of ownership. A bowl of rice is cherished for what it is. An expensive jewelry, not so. As such, one's daily function in a society should serve to enrich one's life as well as those who use his service. An ideal work brings inspiration and excitement on the way to work, provides the bare necessities of valuable products for one's own consumption, and produces goods and services which is in line with creating wealth for all. For example, a farmer enjoys his work, his works provides him with food and shelter, his land produces that which is healthy for everyone including himself.

The greatest inheritance is a wealth based on knowledge and wisdom. Proper knowledge enables children to self-nurture. Wise children discern wealth and the course of life which allows them to maximize their individual talents and creativity. Combined, these two values grow children to the fullest in Life. Such children do not repeat the mistakes of our fathers.

Then we inherit the greatest wealth to Life. Leaving the planet cleaner with gentle, kind, and loving children.

Ten things I learned on my hitchhiking trip (or alternatively the Ten Commandments of Hitchhiking)

1. There is always more than one person going your way.
2. People want to help
3. Time is your greatest currency.
4. Smile.
5. Don't walk at night.
6. Don't walk on highway.
7. Don't try to hitch from a police officer.
8. Don't carry anything of monetary value except for one item.
9. Carry a CB radio.
10. Never settle for a ride which stops at Exit 24 on NC I40.

Fresh asphalt, black burning tar

Walking free,

free as road debris, road kill

Locusts hop midst the wild crop

Great white clouds stroll down its own blue highway of a sky

Neither caring nor knowing where it goes

following the directions of the great smells.

Boycotting airlines and various forms of capitalism,

if only for a weekend,

Carrying all necessities on my sweaty back

Extra luxurious amenities to soothe the lonely soul

a bag of peanuts and a box of menthols

Proving a point which no one seems to care

to the point of looking obviously avoiding a fare

I scream down the lonely highway

"Jack, you cirrhotic, adventurous ghost of the past!

Share you wealth rambunctiousness,

lest all other static elements propel us quickly into

the deathpit of our corporate overloads!"

The plants, crawlies, and the birds share

the lone planetary, platonic mind cares

Grand solitude in the wild highway

waiting for a strange hitch

pick me up

drop me off

in another place and same time

to continue this journey

hoping never to be late

ending too soon

dragging me into the drab civilization

of my own daily routine

of death-making ritual

of my spirit, soul, and Holy Ghost.

        

It's old news that I've been using a convoluted "Skype/Gizmo/GrandCentral" ménage-à-trois system to replace my cursed cellphone experience. There were many things I liked about the cellphone-less way of life:

• Save $60 every month
• Save $$$ on the cellphone every couple of years
• Save myself from constant need to be on everyone else's time
• Save $60 every month
• Save time from fidgeting with gadgets.

The downside to not having a cellphone did not go unappreciated however.

• Miscommunications were hard to rectify if I was not around my computer
• Need for internet
• Cumbersome logic of having to use Skype for calling out and GrandCentral/Gizmo to take calls in.

Well, today I discovered that I can drop Skype's monthly 3 dollar unlimited call service for GrandCentral's somewhat unadvertised unlimited call feature. It seems that I can make phone calls by pressing the "Call" button on GrandCentral's web portal and it will automatically make a call for me and connect that call to my Gizmo account. This means that though I'm making a call to someone else, it is technically a free VoIP call-in as far as Gizmo is concerned. Ergo, absolutely free calls within US via GrandCentral/Gizmo.

Additional benefit to this approach to calling out is my GrandCentral caller ID actually shows up on the people receiving the call. SkypeOut did not allow me to have a caller ID without first having a cellphone (which defeats my purpose of using SkypeOut).

AT&T, it's been great. Thanks for all you've done for me over the years. Though your new 3G iPhone be enticing, we are no longer just taking time apart. We are through. You should go find somebody else who will treat you better with their fat bank account and a new BMW.

Slay my Siddhartha
Chop Bodhi Tree - A Fine Cross!
Nail Jesus, Find God

Many of you know that I'm a Kerouac fan.

This past week, I finally got around to acquainting myself with "On the Road" which is highly appropriate given my current occupation in Rocky Mount, NC where Kerouac used to visit his sister, Nin.
In one sentence, "On the Road" can be described as a crazy fable of Neal Cassidy and his posse which takes multiple journeys across the America involving love, lust and everything inbetween and without. The grand-theft-auto style of Cassidy was delight to my soul but also revealed a startling revelation - which is the interest of this writing.
As I ready for the end of medical school years and the practicum to follow, my heart yearns for a certain escape and dynamic quality. Certainly the road is ripe and tempting those who have been beating the paths less travelled. "On the Road" allures me to take to the road again, but I recognize, through Cassidy's example, the threat it poses for those I love - them whose values align with the predictable traditions of our fathers.
I believed that true spiritual development is irrespective of the "old" values which serve only to stabilize society to the detriment of true creative spiritual growth. This individual approach to spirituality has helped me escape the confines of organized religion, the 9-to-5 mentality, and most importantly the oxymoronic "scientific values" of 21st century.
To become a Cassidy myself, I would have to depend on generosity of people who have less than I. They would gladly feed me, clothe me, and drive me to wherever my soul fancied. This is somewhat socially irresponsible. To be a Cassidy means to become indebted to the world - especially the poor, the sick, and the downtrodden.
"On the Road" shook me to my core ridding me of the spiritual miscalculation of, yet again, what is right and wrong. I am going on the road while feeding the hungry, healing the sick and taking people to places that they've never been.

When Cassidy steal car, I Cassidy road.

Life can be loveless.

For a while early in my twenties, I felt this way. Life - the culmination of the body, mind, situations, relationships, and light - was just glim. Fortuantely, these hopeless, loveless times are not perpetual motions. Though it may take years, we often find ourselves in new strange adventures which fill our hearts with excitement. The entity without subject - Love - finds us, and suddenly we understand such profound things as Bob Marley is a prophet. Ideas like "everything's alright, and a child that cries is the child you soothe" fill your head with cotton candies and, though these ideas fleeting and immature, you are whole because you know you are love.

For a few year in my early twenties, I was this loveless zombie. Every step was heavy. The sky was always gray. I searched for my Buddha and Jesus drinking wine under a tree playing chess but, never finding either, cried nightmares of anger and revenge against no one but myself in the mirror. I thought it'd never end, and I gave up the search for love in some ways.

So it's was a surprise when this one morning in India, as I rode this small yellow truck with the volunteer camp friends, I recognized something about myself which was different from the days before. The best vague description of this experience was that I was happy beyond my prior self. I slept with the music of crashing Indian Ocean waves under the blanket of starry night skies. Life was a miracle and a grace. Everything was cool, clear and I had no fear in the darkness. This was the first time, I had found love in my heart again since childhood with the sense of newness every day and adventure in the most mundane things of life.

Sometime this third year of medical school, I had lost that love again. My days were dreary, and I lost the soul music. I woke up panicking every morning, not knowing where I'm supposed to go, who I'm supposed to see. I didn't know what to look for in a patient. I stuttered in front of my superiors. It was the wake-up-panicking-daily kind of stress that drained me. My function was to dread going to work and look forward to going home. I lost track of what I really love about what I do - the learning and the care of patients.

It was so until approximately the third week of my surgery rotation this March. I woke up one morning as usual. Got ready for work: brush teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast, get in scrubs and grab all the paper for the day. I grabbed the blue bicycle out of the shed, tucked my pant sleeves under my sock and started pedaling my way up the hill towards the hospital. As I moved past the houses, I was able to look at myself -- to watch myself think -- as I was looking forward to the day just like I did on that Indian truck. I loved what I do; and I loved who I am. Man, that spring air was fresh! I pedaled every Carolina spring morning - dispatching my doubts and fear under my bicycle tires. Freedom was delicious and hot like a bowl of soup at the end of a winter day's hike.

Now it's hot June summer in Rocky Mount, this North Carolina city where Jack Kerouac used to come visit his sister, Nin, every so often to rest and write of his adventures. I am nearing the end of my third year of medical school and also feeling the end of this long journey of medical school having less than a year of it left. As wonderful and crazy these past few years have been, I spend each day in electrifying expectancy for what new adventures are to come my way.

Dear America:

Hi. Harijan here.

Jack called yesterday. He asked me to say hello. He said it's getting really hot up in the mountains. He's feeling the Summer.

Since I was already charged with the season's greetings, I thought I'd also write on behalf of beatnicks, the real hippies, and whole people of this earth(the jury is still out on hipsters... heh....), to the young people of America. Yes, that includes the beautiful you.

It is now again incumbent on the shower-once-weekly crowd to inform you that life must not be so painful. In the daily drama that is 21st century, we are once again living nightmares during the day and daydreaming in our sleeps.

Though it is important that we respect and love nature for practical reasons like prevention of global warming, it may be that your needs for nature are greater than the nature's need of you. It is well that nature takes its clothes off it gets hot, bu t you cannot take off any more clothes than you already have.

Ret me ask you. When was the last time you sat on a mountain's shoulder and shared an afternoon shower? To look upon a wide land like the very old tree growing where two boulders meet, we can learn so much about our lives - the lessons without which we are bound to learn by mistakes.

The vast ocean and the sky that accompany in all combinations of shades welcome you day and night, sunrise and sunset. It's not good enough that we cry with sadness and happiness. We should cry with beauty of each moment irregardless of its "academic insignificance." And there is no greater teacher of the subject of mindless beauty-crying than the sight of the wavering dances between the water and celeste.

But don't be fooled by these grand gestures! A regular tree in your own yard might have some medicine you can use. Open your window and listen to the leaves rustling in the wind. Carefully....... listen. Be quiet in your throat but also in your mind. Arboreal jazz is still funk; you'll never hear the same beats again.

Now what of walking itself? You know, most of history is written walking. You ever pick up an interesting book where people just sit around a desk all day? Yes?

Well, I don't want to read it. I want to read about people walking and talking and smiling and laughing and eating and singing and dancing and smacking lips and smoking free air and going la-la-la like they don't have a clue or care in the world.

"Why did Bodhidharma go to the East?", some idiot asked once. I don't know, but I'm going to walk to the kitchen now to get some food.

The other day, I was hiking early in the morning. It was pretty awesome. I was feeling good. Weather was perfect! I ran into spidy web. I wa s annoyed and retarded my face with my hand as I failed to remove the silk. Then suddenly a satori out of nowhere: "When a person walks into a spiderweb on the trail in the morning, he is the first person to walk through that trail that morning." So it was an honor. To be the early bird. To get a flying lesson.

Then, BAM! I ran into another web. I thought I had already learned the lesson and I didn't feel like I needed it anymore. Blah blah. But, ohhhh! I realized: "When a person walks into a web twice in the morning, he learns that spiders are the first to close the trail if we don't walk the trail anymore."

AMIRITE??? URIKE?

Oh, yes, so getting back on track.

We need another revolution. A revolution for the planet. A revolution for the people.

What we need is a fundamental change in the way we view life. Our lives. Pure. Free. Simple. This means that we turn off the TV. This means that we listen less to the same people to whom we have given free reign on our perspectives. Take for example security and how it affected hitchhiking.

Since the 60s when hitchhiking in the US was at its peak to now, what do you think has changed that made hitchhinking that much difficult? Oh, that's right. It's just more dangerous now.

But wait a second, you mean to tell me that people.... PEOPLE... changed since 60s? You mean your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your friends, your doctors, lawyers, your assholes and saints have somehow changed since the 60s? Do you mean to tell me there are more raping, murdering, doped-up thugs on the highway now than in the 60s? (For more technical info: please wiki crime in the USA.)

Eh, sorry. Lynching was just starting to die out in the 60s if you remember our dark history.

What changed since the days of beatnicks and hippies is that our perception of safety and of "others" has changed. We don't trust because we don't know. We just believe what we see because it is easier to - again - not walk. If we walk, we'd find otherwise.

When our student body president, Eve Carson was murdered in the recent past, safety became a huge concern for the campus itself. From what I can recall, the emergency text-messaging system may have been pushed forward in time because of this incidence. I really applaud the community and the school for having come through such a trying time while feeling the sad ness and anger of a life taken away so forcibly. What we should not allow to happen from this is to have a false paranoia of safety. The murder rates per population has not changed significantly from year to year such that it would be a significant change that cannot be accounted by pure chance (state crime statistics- look it up you rself).

What I'm saying is that, though it's prudent to practice precautions, we need not think less securely of this world. We can still go over to the new neighbors and say hello. We can still make eye contact when we see someone down the street. And hell, we can still hitchhike. While I was hitchhiking this February, I've met some wonderful people who has helped me to learn that the world stands contrary to the boob stand.

So let me bring back to you a point. A closure.

We find it hard to breathe now. We are congested with unreasonable fears. Let's throw away the pretentious caution. Pay attention to the moment. First with the flowers and trees. Then to the mountains and the seas. We must now walk. We must get on the road - with a rucksack full of bare necessities of life and all the luxuries of love.

With love and gratitude,
Harijan.

I grew up in a Christian family in South Korea. As such, I have not had a formal training in meditation. I first started meditation two years ago. At the time, I was suffering from nightmare induced insomnia and depression. These nightmares were often about my father who was abusive to me in my development. It was the most miserable days of my life. I was willing to try anything that would help me go to sleep and feel better.

I had gone to the doctor, but he said that I was perfectly healthy. He recommended that maybe I could go get tested at the sleep center at Duke but warned me that the fee would be substantial. That was not an option for me. I would not go to the psychiatrist because I was barely getting by with paying bills and groceries. I think this is when I started drinking on a daily basis. The intoxication helped me to forget the nightmares somewhat, but at the same time, I was not living my life clearly either.

When I started meditation, I had no idea what was going on. There were so many different types of meditation. I often started daydreaming or fell asleep as soon as I closed my eyes. It was an exercise in frustration. I did not understand how counting breaths can help me understand the secrets of life or somehow turn me into an enlightened person. But then I realized that I was falling asleep during my meditation and found it very useful when I am anxious about falling asleep at night.

However, the real benefit of meditation came about a year later. Gradually, I began to understand things about myself, my father, and life in general. Although nobody has really explained to me how and why, I realized under what circumstances I was born in my family and –more importantly- under what circumstances my father grew up in. When I came to this, there was no reason to be hurt and scared because I understood things were as they were.

In being healed, I would have forgiven my father one would think. However, forgiveness implies that there was actually a wrongdoing on the behalf of other party. When I understood that my father did not know to treat me any better because he himself grew up in a post-Korean war era without supportive parents, I knew that there was no real harm. It did not mean that I would let him anyone else hurt me like that again, but I understood the circumstances surrounding the past events. I stopped having the nightmares and started sleeping like a baby.

This is not where my experience with meditation and depression ends, however.

A lot of people at school are puzzled about me. Of the many things I have heard about me, the two most interesting description was that I was “excessively happy” and “like contantly being on mushroom.” The following event was what I attribute to the change in my life.

It was early March of 2005. I was having a horrible sickness. I remember being in terrible fever at night. It was so painful that I wanted to die. Then I remembered from one of my lessons that embracing the physical pain was the way out of my psychological pain. At this time, I still had depression related problem even though my issues with Dad had mostly been resolved. So that is exactly what I did. I stopped resisting and hating the pain and “allowed” the pain to be a part of me. It was difficult, and I passed out in the midst of it.

The next morning was different. I was not sick anymore. The fever was gone. But there was something more significant than the missing fever. At first, I felt intoxicated since my mind was different. It was a few hours later that day I realized that I was not anxious and depressed anymore. Even more than that, nothing worried me. Thoughts of money, work, girlfriend, etc. did not really concern me. I thought it was so strange that I would not concern myself with things like that, so I thought long and hard about all the “bad things” in my life. To my surprise, I was somehow immune to generating negative emotions.

The next four days I did nothing but whatever I liked to do. I would lie down and listen to music or walk my dog around the town. Watch the clouds float by. Whatever I liked to do. I stopped going to work. It was heaven. I played video games.

Then I realized how sad everyone else was. This person was disappointed. That person was anxious. I remembered that I used to be that way. I wanted to explain to them that they did not need to feel that way – regardless of what predicaments they may be in. But it was so difficult to explain it to them, and no one really understood what I was trying to say. I taught meditation to few people, but they were easily discouraged and did not have the motivation to continue.

Since then, I met people like me who smiled gently and took life as it came. Some of these people were just born this way, but others came to the same conclusion that I came to through means other than “meditation.” (Some of these people I met in medical school.) Being with these people, I have realized that I am not the only one in this world who thinks Life is beautiful and, at least for me, meditation played a big part on my maturing process since it facilitated so much understanding.

As aspiring future holistic physicians, our responsibility is not only with physical health but also with healing our own psyche and spirit. Whether it may be yoga, meditation, worship, religion, or a poem, we owe it to ourselves and our patients to be healthy in all aspects of our lives. I can give many reasons why this is pertinent, but a better reason would be, “why not?” Why would you not want to live the rest of your life beautifully and vibrantly?

Physician, heal thyself.

House MD, as a show succumbs to yet another medical error. In the episode House's Head (Part 1), Gordon gives the bus driver antibiotic - reasoning that he has transverse myelitis. Transverse myelitis is not an infection and thus not treated with antibiotic. Everybody in the show continued without a word. Cuddy repeats this error again by saying, "he has TM. We're already giving him antibiotic" (or something like it). House just brushed the whole TM thing off.

Sorry, TM is treated with steroid.

US interests in 'Free Tibet' movement: it's hard to be an activist.

The recent violence surrounding the Tibetan protest against Chinese rule has taught me a little bit about "news behind news." Although there have been many US citizens who were interested in the welfare and rights of Tibetans for decades, the US has not offered any opinion one way or another towards Chinese government until this past month (as far as I know about Tibet issue). I was thinking why US government proper would be so interested in voicing their opinions this way until I remembered all kinds of news I've been hearing about China.

If you go back for the past year, most news and statements towards China have been Orwellian. China is investing heavily in natural resources in Sudan and has indirect ties with what's happening in Darfur. China is aggravating global warming. China eats babies. China grows horns. China is the devil.

True; most of the news has factual basis (minus the horns and eating babies). China does have horrible human rights record. However, the effect these news and public statements seem to be getting the American populous ready for another war. A preemptive justification for conflict of any type between US and China. Of course, I would sound pretty dumb to imply that US and China are going to war anytime soon. But, it doesn't have to be a physical conflict; the Soviet and US were never really in physical conflict during the cold war. In fact we may actually be in an economic war between China and not even know about it. But I digress.

I feel 'Free Tibet' has become another China-bashing bandwagon for the US media conglomerates (and subsequently the powers that be) to jump on. This is a difficult situation for activists because it is hard to maintain neutrality when a big power is also supporting your cause. From what I've observed from history, wiser and safer (for the people we are helping) course are taken by activists who take the independent, neutral path. Even if the government or the media walks next to us for the moment, we will continue to walk straight until the mission is accomplished.

Tibetan people's rights must be respected.
The government of China, as are all governments including our own, should be held accountable for any human rights violation.
The activists must be vigilant about unsolicited alliances which are often wrought with ulterior motives. We do this not for our ignorant pride, but for the people we work and die for.

With the recent escalation of Tibetan protest against the Chinese government, Dalai Lama spoke against the violence and even threatened to resign from his executive position in Tibetan government-in-exile if Tibetan protesters continue to resort to violence. Initially, I thought it was a prudent thing to say for a buddha to say until I thought that it may have been a political move to separate the goverment-in-exile from being associated with the violence aspect of the protest. If I was a buddha and a leader of people, I would just have said, "please stop fighting" without the negative consequences of not obeying what I believe is The Way. As much as it hurts me to say write this, I think Dalai Lama's spiritual leadership may have been compromised by political needs.

It is better for a parent to console a hurt child then to threaten orphanhood. Tibetan people need Dalai Lama. The world needs Dalai Lama. He may not quit his leadership. He may not threaten his own downtrodden people.

Guys, it's true what they say about surgery. It's not human.

I am going to sleep and getting up earlier and earlier. Like 3:30am this morning. It's back breaking work. I'm sore every day. Please call the whambulance, etc.

But what "they" didn't tell you is this work is as fascinating and worthy as it is hard.

Is all. Gotta go study and preround.

Children cry and laugh.
Snow faces smile ear to ear
Nose runs on red cheeks.

Freezing air, fingers,
Bike wheels turn fast, fast!
On Cold February Morn.

Yours truly was published in UNC-Asheville's weekly newspaper, the Blue Banner.

With a small pile of kindling situated close by, Aram Harijan, the hitchhiker, pulled out a lighter lent to him by a friend, and reached down to spark a fire.

Nothing happened.

He cursed the broken lighter, and chided himself for not being better prepared. Violently shivering, Harijan climbed into his one-person tent, and again turned on his iPod, falling asleep to a podcast of a medical lecture.

I still remember that moment like it was now. This reminds me that I need to invest in a zippo lighter.

2 minute cocaine talk

HISTORY

Caca-Cola® contained 0.75 mg of cocaine per ounce until 1903 when increasing knowledge about stroke, heart attack lead to discontinuation of cocaine. Cocaine received little public or medical attention for the next 70 years, until the "crack" cocaine epidemic of the 1980s. Cocaine is schedule II substance; can be prescribed in 4-10% solution for topical ointment.

CRACK, POWDER, FREEBASE?

Salt form is more water soluble at room temperature. Therefore, it dissolves in mucous membrane and can be absorbed directly through the nasal epithelium. This is the snorted cocaine. Can also be injected. Like chewing tobacco.

Base form is water insoluble and will not be absorbed across the epithelium. It cannot be injected either because it remains as a precipitate in most solutions. However it has a low vaporization temperature and is thus smoked and absorbed in vapor form through the lung epithelium. This form is only smoked. Like cigarette.

$ TO $$$$. HOW IS AN EXPENSIVE DRUG LIKE COCAINE MORE PREVALENT IN A POORER POPULATION?

Cocaine really is expensive in any form. However the salt form usually requires a higher dose per use than freebase form. Crack cocaine is usually sold in smaller quantities (1/10th gram 'small rock' costs ~$10) and anybody can afford it at this level.

WHERE DOES THE NAME "CRACK" COME FROM?

The freebase cocaine crystal has small amounts of water. As the crystal heats, this water boils and makes crackling noise.

HOW DOES COCAINE WORK? Dopamine, serotonin and NE reuptake inhibitor. Ventral tegmental area to nucleus accumbens reward pathway is activated.

USEFUL INFO ON URINE SCREEN TEST: Benzoylecgonine is the major metabolite of cocaine and is present in urine for 2-3 days. Chronic users therefore cannot escape detection if they present to ED or clinic after this window.

WHAT SHOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT?

Body: STROKE, AMI (beta blockers can precipitate AMI in cocaine OD), SEIZURE, WITHDRAWL (pains, tremor, chills, involuntary muscle movements).

Mind: Psychosis, mood disorder, motor disorders (akathisia "crack dancers"), SI.

Relationships: Money, significant other (trading sex for crack), legal issues (arrest due to possession; violence or stealing stuff. see money).

Taking care of patients who abuse or are dependent on cocaine (may not resemble reality)

Approach to patient: First remember countertransference. This patient is not the crack cocaine patient from yesterday or the neighbor who stole my beloved playstation. Even if the patient is unreasonable, looks dangerous (and may well be dangerous), and/or smells bad, patient could still use an advocate - especially now in the hospital when they seem to have no control in their lives.

Decision to admit: Remember cocaine abuse or dependence is just as much as a social condition as a biologic disorder. Let the axis guide your decision on whether to hospitalize the patient or manage them in outpatient setting. If you send them out, make sure they have social support that would encourage the patient to stay sober.

Gather collateral information. Once admission was decided, collateral is going to be useful in understanding and management of patient as well as discharge planning.

Nursing Supportive environment with diet and sleep ad lib

Bio

Take care of existing medical conditions.

Benzodiazepam may be used in SEVERELY agitated patients or sleep issues.

Depression longer than 2-3 weeks or SI may require antidepressant treatment.

Risk of relapse is highest in early withdrawl; craving is easily triggered by stress or other drug-related triggers (like a spouse on crack). Patient should be referred to treatment program for ongoing care.

Social

Wounded soldiers aren't told back to go back to battlefield after their trauma, so why should this patient go back to the place that traumatized them? Think about relationships, family, money, work, education, Vocational rehab. www.ca.org.

Therapy

No one therapy is better than another. High intense and long durations are associated with better outcomes. Treatment of other psychiatric comorbidities.

Credits to wikipedia and uptodate articles on cocaine.